Learning to live again
by alicewonder26
Summary: James finds himself on a date for the first time in since Lily's passing. He's nervous, anxious and not sure if this the right move.


An: this is my first story. it is a song-fic, based on one of my favorite Garth Brooks songs. I was listening to it and this is what I was struck with. I have no beta, so any mistakes are purely my own. I hope you guys like it.

" _I burned my hand, I cut my face. Heaven knows how long its been, since I felt so out of place, wondering if I'll fit in."_

"Shit!" James swore, his hands shaking as he set the razor on the counter. He watched the blood slide down his freshly shaved cheek, reaching for his wand, he healed the cut. He glanced down at his right hand, where he'd burned himself earlier and sighed. Why he ever agreed to this was nuts. Some time during the conversation he'd had with Sirius and Remus about Lily and how she would have wanted him to move on, he'd agreed to this, albeit under the influence of way too much fire whiskey. He shook his head as he remembered how they'd come over one evening, lost in memories of Lily. Sirius sat on one side of him, Remus the other, and there was a long silence before Sirius said, "Mate, it's been 2 years. it's time." James remembered the look he'd sent him, remembered how his throat ached with unshed tears as he said, "it's not time yet. Remus? tell him its not time." Expecting Remus to take his side again, to remind Sirius that life wasn't always about chasing the skirts of single witches, James was surprised when he heard Remus echo Sirius statement. Surprise turned to anger before Remus said, "hear me out James. you're sitting in your flat, alone on a Friday night drowning yourself in memories of Lily. You've been doing this for the past two years and it's time you moved on. Lily wouldn't want you doing this to yourself." On one level, James knew they were right. but he wasn't ready and frankly he didn't know if he would ever be ready. Sensing his discomfort, Sirius brought out a bottle of Ogden's finest, and they proceeded to get smashed. sometime before he passed out, he remembered Sirius telling him, "Come on mate, I got the perfect girl you should meet" Remus had disagreed, saying he knew someone. Trusting in Remus, and his thoughts fuzzy after too much drinking, James had found himself agreeing to this date. And he'd proceeded to drink until he passed out.

" _Debbie and Charlie_ _said they'd be here by nine, and Deb said she might bring a friend. Just my luck, they're right on time, and here I go again."_

He heard the door of his flat open and close as Sirius and Remus entered, and the faint sounds of heels on his hardwood floor reached his ears. He sighed, adjusting his shirt for the millionth time, trying to ignore the butterflies and feelings of guilt that he was feeling. James found himself wishing it was just Padfoot, cause then they would have been late, and he would have found any excuse to cancel. As it was, he was committed now.

" _And I'm gonna smile my best smile, and I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style, look into her eyes and pray, that she don't see. That learning to live again, is killing me."_

James walked out into the living room, forcing a smile on his face as he was introduced to his date. She was pretty, at least he could admit that. She was the complete opposite of Lily in every way. While Lily had red hair and emerald eyes, the woman, whose name he learned was Charlotte, had dark hair that fell in curls past her shoulders. Her eyes, instead of emerald, were a deep chocolate color and a sparkle was present, as if she was always laughing at some joke she hadn't told yet. She was short like Lily, and her full pink lips curved upwards into a smile as she held out her hand for him to shake. He knew where they were going, yet she didn't. Sirius and Remus aparated out before he could suggest one of them side-along her there, and James was left to offer his arm.

" _Little cafe, table for four, but just conversation for three. I like the way she let me get the door, and I wonder what she thinks of me."_

James was ignoring Remus's looks to include Charlotte in their conversation and he watched her for a moment. She raised her glass to her lips as the others talked. When they arrived, she let me hold the door for her. She'd given a smile that warmed him slightly and after they had ordered, had fallen silent. James found himself wondering what she thought of him as her eyes locked with his for a moment.

" _Debbie_ _just whispered, you're doing fine, but I wish that I felt the same. She's asked me to dance, now her hands in mine, Oh my god I've forgotten her name"_

Remus gave me another glance as she ate her dinner, and whispered, "you're doing fine James. You got this." I gave him a smile, but I found myself wishing I had his cheery outlook. Dinner was swept away and the band played a slow song. I heard her voice, softly, "James? Would you like to dance?" I met her gaze and watched as she waited for my answer, before she reached out and slipped her fingers through mine. She pulled me out on the dance floor as I panicked inside. I took a deep breath, remembering what I'd told myself before I'd left.

" _And I'm gonna smile my best smile, and I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style. Look into her eyes and pray that she don't see, that learning to live again is killing me."_

During the first song, she'd lead me around the floor, looking at a spot somewhere behind my head. Then, the song changed, another slow song. James suspected this was because of Sirius, he was handing the band something, a grin on his face. James steeled his courage, then began to lead her around the floor. She let him lead, and those eyes landed on him again. This time, steeling his courage, he began telling her about his job, and watched a smile spread across her face. They danced and talked about work and about the weather, which was a start.

" _Now here we are, beneath her porch light, and I say what great time it's been. A kiss on the cheek, a whisper good night, and I say, can I see you again?"_

The night had gone well. Now he stood with her beneath the soft yellow glow of her porch light. Her curls shone as I told her, "I had a great time tonight Charlotte." Another soft smile, and she agreed with me, "It was. I had a great time too." And she leaned up on her tiptoes, pressing her lips to my cheek softly. James could smell her jasmine perfume and he closed his eyes as he took in her scent. She whispered good night, turning to unlock her door. Grabbing hold of his courage once again, James blurted out, "Can I see you again?"

" _And she just smiles her best smile, and she laughs like it's going out of style. Looks into my eyes and says, we'll see. Oh this learning to live again, is killing me. God this learning to live again, is killing me."_

A smile lit up her features and she chuckled softly. Her dark eyes swept up from the ground and locked with mine as she said, "We'll see." another grin, and she disappeared behind the oak door. James aparated back to his flat, where the boys waited for him. He leaned against the solid door, his heart pounding, and as he placed his head in his hands, he felt the wetness of tears that he had no idea he was crying. Remus asked if he was okay and all James could say was, "Learning to live again is killing me."


End file.
